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I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.