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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.