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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.