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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either