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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”