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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?