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Iām going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`