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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...