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There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.