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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.