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It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.