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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.