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I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.