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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!