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Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"