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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.