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I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…