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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.