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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?