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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.