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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Marriage is for quitters
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?