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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."