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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.