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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.