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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...