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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.