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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.