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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.