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A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.