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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, Iām willing to go pretty much anywhere.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.