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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.