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I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Hello...
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.