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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?