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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.