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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.