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Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.