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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.