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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
loves driving down the road and just waving at random people like you know them!:D
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?