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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?