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Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.