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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*