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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.