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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?