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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.