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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.