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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is