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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.