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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.