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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.