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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.