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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.