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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk