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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.