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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.