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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.