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The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
I drink because people talk.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...