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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"