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I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!