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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Mondays are middle finger approved
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!