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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.