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If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.